• Jessie Bond

NPR ads

Sometimes, for fun, I write satirical NPR ads because apparently I have a weird definition of what's fun. Here are three such ads.

1.

This NPR program and the following message are brought to you by Blue Apron. Do you want a giant, elaborately packaged box of fresh produce and shit delivered to your door every week? Of course you do. With Blue Apron, you'll get delicious, hand-crafted recipes that severely underestimate how long it takes to chop vegetables so you can spend four times as long on prep work as you expect to. With all locally-sourced ingredients, your Blue Apron meals will taste great, but not any better than takeout you could have gotten for the same amount of money and significantly less effort. For $30 off your first order, go to blueapron.com/why and enter promo code "WHATSTHEPOINT."


2.

News cycle got you feeling bummed out? Sad? Downright depressed? A pint of ice cream can eliminate that problem, but then you're left feeling bloated and unhealthy, not to mention you run the risk of a sugar crash or judgmental comments from your mother. Instead, try frozen yogurt. With less sugar and calories than ice cream, frozen yogurt provides the emotional satisfaction of ice cream with the added benefit of feeling slightly better about your health. Plus, choose from a fuckton of toppings ranging from fresh fruit to straight-up cookie dough so you can feel a sense of control over what's happening around you for once.


Feeling weighted down by the sorrows of this world? Try our new tangy watermelon flavor to brighten up your palate and lighten up your burdens. Consumed with impotent rage by injustices inflicted by your own government? Our indulgent brownie batter, topped with brownie bites and hot fudge, will help bury that righteous anger so you can fall asleep at night. Seriously considering moving to Canada, but uncertain if that's just the coward's way out and you should stay and help fix your clusterfuck of a country for the sake of those more vulnerable than yourself? With frozen yogurt, you don't have to choose. Swirl two flavors together and get double the relief from the pain of existence. Get 10% off your first order today by using the code "I can't do this anymore" and sobbing into a colorful disposable napkin at the checkout counter.


3.

Support for NPR and the following message comes from Not Being Alone with Your Thoughts. Tired of the sorrowful voices inside your head? Need to fill the emptiness of your heart on grey workday mornings when the world seems desolate and cold? Just sick of living in your own head? Try Not Being Alone with Your Thoughts, available for free at any public radio station. NPR listeners will receive a special offer of alleviation of loneliness by continuously listening to the same programs until familiar voices and personalities become a comfort in themselves. Not Being Alone with Your Thoughts: the smarter way to survive existence. 

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